Inside Jacky's Box

I'm but a little boat

2010-05-19T14:25:00.002Z

I'm but a little boat in a storm that just can't be anchored, I'm but a little bird without legs that simply cant land. These are all rubbish excuses rambled out in the lights of possible commitments, building a safety shield to camoflouge my weakness with an image of an egoistic rebellious wanderer. The fact is, I'm emotionally weak and needs tender loving care.

All my girls were different, and I would like to have loved everyone of them as individuals not influence by the previous. Here are some recollection, before i start to forget them as the years go by....

S - Childhood friend, seems like the best girl in my entire life till 21. I'll never know what could have been if only i persisted.......

J - Interesting... She was so much more dilligent in the relationship category that I almost felt silly.I guess she was lustful for me, amen I never got eaten by this fox. Hahaha! congrats to her new born! you are still pretty as a mom, no doubt about that...

K - Wrong wrong wrong... never loved her, never felt love..it was all lust, well 1 of the best ever but still lust without love is like drinking a can of warm coke. Sooo tiring, so bored, so troubled, worst time of me life. Cant imagine I allowed her into my private life... Wrong all so wrong!!

E - Lucky for me it happened so fast, I couldnt react in time. If we did get tgether long enough to see her evil-ness, my life would have turned upside down. She looked so innocent at first sight...then slowly things turned so ugly, for inside this cute little thing lies an evil dark princess! scary....

K - Raped

V - Never gave her a chance, great friends till this day but always asking the same old question..."why not her" hahah! She was just way over my league.. it would have been fun for a while but i'll lose a good friend.. Sorry.. it's well made decision not to start

N - Baby sister.. did i even love her before? an empty white paper for me to fill in the lines. Awesome experience for one who have never had a pure as snow relationship till then. I had a sweet time experiencing whatever i missed out during my teenage days, cool. Darn it! .. we simply couldn't communicate. It's like we are from different planets. God bless u r with someone from your planet now sista! Till we meet again.. live long and prosper~

J - College sweet heart, only love i knew thus far, thought she completed me. Was it my mistake or hers? She never came back from UK... never did. Rest was nothing but a whole load of wilfulness and stubborn ethics that hoped for the best which never came through... : (

J - A miraculous deja-vu. Felt so comfortable and felt so familiar. Guess we met at the right stage of our lives but wrong situation. I can see something about her that will satisfy my needs and wants in life. 1 step at a time... lets see what happens...

Jacky out for now....yawns... girls...........

28 going 30

2010-05-05T14:59:00.002Z

Mesmerised by the yester years,
where times were tough but with no fears.
As fairy tales could seem so real,
Brightness awaits at the end of the tunnel.
An angel stands close by me,
overjoyed with peace and glee.

Winter aint cold, it aint horrid,
pleased as I was when we first saw it.
Now that summer is forever here,
Life seems so much more unclear.

Oh lord! my God! my guiding star,
You have tried to embrace me this far,
Sins of sinner, souls of pain
I'm not still not prepared
'cause I ain't no saint.

28 going 30
dreams fall short of being wordy,
Thrills with no frills aint no surprise,
aftermath shall not entice.

Let me be what I wanna be,
for tommorrow we shall see,
Creeps shivers up the spine,
Take a deep breath, smile!
it'll soon be over,
it'll soon be fine.

To: me myself my past and me future...

Memories

2008-09-02T04:47:00.003Z

It's quite incredible that I haven't updated this blog for exactly a year. Isn't it interesting that people only look back on their lives and try to find the wonderful memories after they have lost what they treasure most. Some try too hard to plan for the future and neglected the current, while I as a self proclaim history buff, should have continuoosly looked back and let my past teach me some lessons that I have convinently put aside.

I doubt anyone will be reading this blog anymore, so I guess I can write any rubbish I feel like rumbling.

As the previous entries showed how diffcult a process we've been through to get together, my dearest dearest Mole decided that she no longer have the deep love for her Toad.

Cryin....Brain block...... will continue laterz

The new Era - Positivity & Negativity

2007-09-02T19:28:00.000Z

Back in Surrey!

Positivity: End of a gruelling n revealing holiday back to Singapore. BAck on track now, all steam ahead to get good results n get a job in London! Shall not let my brother down!

Positivity 2: Travelled back together with Janice, got upgraded to business class on our 2nd transit flight from Doha to London! IT WAS AMAZING! both of us had the opportunity to make toast with Champagne n Chardonnay for a new blissful, happy, lovely, romantic n lucky new year!

That leads me to...

Negativity: Dragging our luggages pass University court, looking up at the window i used to threw stones at .... a gush a bitter sweet sensation stinged our eyes red for a moment. No more throwing stones at Terrance's window n getting cursed.. No more callin him up to bullshit n relax, no more dinners with perry, edd n the whole gang. With him ard, life was so much easier n fun, but I guess I should be happy for him now that he is able to take care of the 2 ladies of his life instead of paying attention to silly me n his stubborn sista! haha! W/O him ard, there're so much more responsibilites I have to bear this time! but I will try my best to uphold my promises.

Anyway, Alpha male theory works only when there r 2 or more males ard... presently.. I'm the only bull with alot of work to do.

The new Era!

Promised MY 2 ladies that I'll work extra hard to get gd results n a gd job in UK. (Fingers crossed). Will be blogging more often now that I'm back..

VOTE PLEASE!

Which do u prefer?

My blog in diary style: With a record of my daily life n activities or more essays, thoughts n ponders?

Intellectual vs inner spirit

2007-04-04T23:50:00.000Z

Sorry I havent updated my blog for quite a while now, mostly because I find my last entry very self -searching and hope to savour it for a bit longer.

Ok.. Now, when I talk about intellectual, its very obvious its about people with intelligence and IQ. One who speaks and write with vibrance, power and high command of language filled with a huge truck load of encylopedias worth of knowledge.

But when I talk about inner spirit? what comes to mind? religions? ghost? karma? or Nirvana?
If inner peace is your answer, I have to say its right! if u r a buddhist or one who seeks peace. What I'm referring to is much more than just peace, but what is deep inside. It could be anything, it could be heavenly yet it could be horriffic. A person who has murderous tendencies brought up in a church might look, act and speaks about GOD, but it is not the real him. A beast who thinks he is a sheep, will soon smell blood, its eyes turn red and its fangs will penetrate the flesh of his brothers, the sheeps he grew up with.

Now you must be asking, how are the two linked? n what m I trying to imply?

Well, all I want to state is a simple fact that "Don't just believe what you see and hear, theres more to a person that meets the eye"

I honestly believe that a person cant be transformed or programed totally to one so different from his origins. The power of knowledge and the emphasis on personifications in our modern society proves to be a deadly coverup for the beast.

Little red riding hood and the wolf in grandma's clothings is not just a bed time story or fairytale, it is a story written to warn little children not to believe what they see n know how to protect themselves. Sadly I have to say that the victims of the modern day story falls upon not just children but adults, who simply dont see the difference between a butcher with a bible n a professor with a cleaver.

Never judge a person by his packaging, look deeper, unwrap the covers, take a peek into his life and run as fast as your legs can bring you if you see .........HOMER SIMPSON~~~ DoHz!!!!!

~~The End~~~

A song of my past 无赖

2007-03-11T20:59:00.000Z

Lyrics of 无赖

This is a cantonese song by 郑中基
about a bastard and his life.... was this my past??

Its a great song! Enjoy it!

我间中饮醉酒很喜欢自
由常犯错爱说谎但总会内疚
遇过很多的损友学到贪新厌旧
亦欠过很多女人

怕结婚只会守三分钟诺言
曾话过要戒烟但讲了就算
梦与想丢低很远但对返工厌倦
自小不会打算

但是仍唯独你爱我这废人
出错你都肯去忍
然而谁亦早知不会合衬
偏偏你愿意等

为何还喜欢我我这种无赖
是话你蠢还是很伟大
在座每位都将我踩口碑有多坏
但你亦永远不见怪

何必跟我我这种无赖
没大半生还是很失败
但是你死都不变心跟我笑著捱
就算坏我也不忍心偷偷作怪

没有跟的野种飘忽的命途
谁像你当我宝甚黱也做到
旧爱手中一疋布在这刻写句号
只想跟你终老

在地球唯独你爱我这废人
出错你都肯去忍
然而谁亦早知不会合衬
偏偏你愿意等

为何还喜欢我我这种无赖
是话你蠢还是很伟大
在座每位都将我踩口碑有多坏
但你亦永远不见怪

何必跟我我这种无赖
没大半生还是很失败
但是你死都不变心跟我笑著捱
就算我也不忍心

还喜欢我我这种无赖
是话你蠢还是很伟大
在座每位都将我踩口碑有多坏但
你亦永远不见怪

何必跟我我这种无赖
没大半生还是很失败
但是你死都不变心跟我拼命捱
换转别个也忍心偏偏作怪

Reminds me....

All my smoking Kakis are exactly what is described in the song! So that goes for all of you !hahhaha!!! (Dont wanna mention who.... Kok.... Jianwei... Mel....Bobby.... Andy...... Liang......etc etc......)

Jacky's 25th Birthday!!

2007-02-26T12:19:00.000Z

22nd/23rd Feb

This Birthday was absoultely lovely! Not because it was exciting or crazy like my 19 n 20 birthday bashes but a sense of apprecation to all n frm friends and brothers I have and treasures dearly.

It all started with Thursday night! With Darling Janice preparing a beautiful mini celebration for me! Couple's heartwarming night.. the best start to all my bday celebrations!

Thursday! ~~~Romance~~~

Janice prepared mini cake for me!

Starting Afternoon 23rd FEB 2007

Thanks to my brudders! sistas! and family back at home celebrated for me in my house over the webcam!( They had good food preped by my mom! at my house! W/O me HOME!!!) but nvm i still really appreciate it! Not everyone is as lucky as me to have such good friends back home! Thanks dudes! n I'll be home sooner than u think!!! Keep my precious red wine intact until I get home, promise will open a good 1!! (KOK!! Hello Kitty have to wait much longer now Hor....Sianz rightz.....)

I LuV u guys! Jianwei, Kok, Curly, Steph and Kim (Derek too, but he had to protect Singapore! so forgiven! Hahahaha)

Night Falls!

My 1st Birthday party in Surrey, UK! with all my dudes and dudettes! It was a hell of a night I tell you!!

Friday! Dinner celebration!!

My Birthday cake~~~Making a wish~~~Me and Darlin Janice

Chinese Takeaway SUPER DINNER!! and TONS OF BEER!!, compliment of Terence, Edd and Perry! Thanks dudes!

Friends in Surrey! Sweet yeah!
Names of the worthy and prestigious attendees:
Jonathan, Melissa, Fiona, Sarah, Soo ling,Ah King, Edward,Perry, Isabelle, Shermaine & my dearest Janice and Terence!

And.. shortly after Dinner......

5! 10! 15! 20! Lets GO!
Edward bullying!
Fiona trying her best to against the master! Too bad.. gal, you aint got what it takes!

Pssst...Janice! Look who's gonez! Hahaha! No! Not Them!

Hahahaa!! You think he's OuT!? You aint seen nothing yet!

And after we had our sumptious dinner n games.........

~~~^^^PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UNION!PARTY!!!!^^^~~~~~

and there HE IS AGAIN!!!

And Me, n Them, N Us!!

Well, my 25th Birthday ended with a real BANG! all thanks to my greatest friends and buddies! Remember gang! Jacky will be just a phonecall away, no matter where I am in the World! Thank you all!

Valentine's day

2007-02-21T14:02:00.000Z

Valentine's day

Nv had it better. Honestly, I never had a real relationship survived through till Valentine's day before, so I have to say this is my 1st! Though it would never be as interesting and happening here compare to if I were in Singapore, but it was beautiful and ended off with a sweet glass of pink wine. : D
N of course it wouldn't be a Valentine's day without HER would it. hahaa! Thank you Janice.

Started the day off with a movie "Charlotte's Web" ( Can't believe I read this book 11 years ago! Damn I'm feeling old!)

DINNER at Nandos!

After Dinner we decided to join bro Terrance!
Whom just played some romantic songs over the net to Janice's Sista, Janet back in SGP! I'm sure she loved it! considering the dude spent 3 sleepless nights practicing! hahaa

My little gift package for her to end of this beautiful day! Hmmm... Not to look too far yet, but just hope next year's V-day will be better than this one! With the same girl!! : D

Of Chavs and the Ah Beng

2007-02-09T13:33:00.000Z

My latest readings on cultural studies ironically is about the UK Chavs(Ah Bengs of SGP) or Uk anti social sub-cultured, gang raptured group of youngsters. While reading up on them, make no make mistakes about it that they prove to be similar in many ways with the Singapore Ah Bengs. Well, the basis of why youngsters get invovled in these sub groups are mostly for thrill, heroism and most of all a sense of belonging. Yet, I realised that Bengism and Chavism can be considered an attitude, a way of life with positive characteristics that are lack of in mainstream culure groups. As individualism (I like to call it selfishnism)prevails as the accepted societal norms, with profit and materialism on these people's top agenda, Bengism and Chavism gives an alternative route to show group integrities and fearlessness, selflessness personalities which was long forgotten,dating back to the periods when civilisations and societies first began. At present times, this can only be seen between army war veterans.

But havin said so, it can also be dangerous, for these youngsters can easily fall into and get invovled with the mafia, gangs and secret societies. Organised crimes are no longer a personality and way of life but more like "Wipe your arse clean for you will become a jail bird" as a matter of fact, for Singaporeans, you'll just be a dead bird when you are caught in pocession of drugs.

Here are some jovile examples : "Of Chavs and the Ah Beng"

Ah Beng Rap

C.H.A.V

Heres a little joke to see the similarities:

Title: When Ah Beng meets Chav (East meet the west) (JPG meet Burberrys)

Storyline: A group of Chavs were given free air tickets to Singapore and decided to visit Boat Quay techno bars and clubs

Imagine if they do understand one another : D

Chavs: Was'up with these wankers? F'ukin this aint no way to dance.

Beng: Oei Si ang mo gao (Caucasian dogs), you not happy wih my dancing is it? Kan ni na! you nothing to do come and kao bei kao bu!(Cry mother cry father or crap talk)

Chavs: Hoi! mate! those pricks're f'uckin staring at us man!

Beng: Oei brather! Si ang mo dio wa lang le! ^(already translated)

Chavs: What'a lookin at bitch! One more stare and I'll slap ya so hard your mama wont recongnise ya!

Beng: Dio si mi dio!! Gor Dio! Lim bei pa hor le si! ^(already translated)

Chavs: Bloody Cunt!!

Beng: Chee bye!! ^(Translated)

And the rest is history, both groups fight, the police siren rings and they run

Chav: Damn! the police are here! F'Uckin lets split!

Beng: Ma Dar Lai liao, siam ar!!

The end!

Please contribute more to this blog entry if you have any suggestions or comments.

Where r my nuts?

2007-02-01T22:41:00.000Z

I've never imagined myself saying this..... but isnt it too old for dear me to be spending my time plucking rose petals again?

As a matter of fact, no matter how many times u been into the battlefield and out, how many medals u wear on your chest, you will still be as pertrified as the first time u stepped into the zone of no return. Theres no calling it quits and many will get hurt if it turns out wrong.

A wise man once told me, u never know till u try. But another tells me one wrong move may cost u the whole game. Now... which wise man out there can solve my mystery now.

Does the rose fancy my presence or does feel the same way I do? Will the answer be what I hope for when the last petal falls?

Someone, something, somewhere give me a sign! and please make it obvious. Thank you.

Finally, many ask what has become of me since I came to the UK? I say to them... thou shant no more be a brainless ahbeng...... for thee shall call me a smart beng! : D

I think its almost done

2007-01-30T15:51:00.000Z

I'm finally updating my blog again. Most of you would have thought that I was going to leave this blog to rot, well, u r wrong. All I needed was time to think about how my life should be in this transitional year of my life. Its been 10 years since the fateful day and in one month time I will have to let it all go.

Everyone have transitional periods, so do I. This 10 years had been too exciting for me. Heaven answered my call back then when I ask Him to give me courage and strength to experience the unimaginable. I made alot of friends, did alot of werid stuff, but most importantly I found myself.

I thank everyone who have been through this 10 years with me, and may the next 10 years be peaceful and sweetened with success.

Will continue to update this blog. Peace.

Jacky

Ringing memories of the forgotten

2006-12-08T06:52:00.000Z

Its 7.45am, and I got woken up by the bells of the Cathedral. Still feelin all bashed up after 3 days of exams, usually, I would most probably be cursing and swearing at the church bells by now. But I 'm not. Instead it just added icing onto the dream I just had. And it was so sweet I just had to blog it down before I start dreaming again of myself being send to jail for failing my, cannot be simpler, law paper.

Well, I have absolutely no idea why i dreamt of something that happened so long ago and so insignicant. The fact that those days was so blur in my concious mind but picture perfect during my sub-concious state.
It was YCS Christmas event 1997, my 1st time in charge of a major event. Alot of what I am today, being able to make pitches and speeches to groups and mass audiences had to be credited back to those days.

Being all young and uncharmingly childish back then, I really didnt think much about how lovely it was to be able to do what I did. Taking it all for granted. Cacoon brains, what I like to call them these days, are those which are yet to evolute, mine resembled the puny ones among the lot those days.

The dream was about event prep meeting which happened many years back. It was held with the St Nick girls like Sarah and Chuanhui, Maris guys like Raphal etc.. and my juniors.. Weihao, Boquan, Kelly, Nick all appearing in the scene of St.Peter and Paul church, YCS Club room waiting for, the as usual late, Jacky, me.

Why this werid dream?

Maybe I dreamt of this 'cause I happen to click into Weihao's friendster profile. To see Chuanhui together with Weihao (although already mentioned by Kelly recently), but to see their pics gives me a sweet sensation bursting out with joy. And it just happened to pop out during my slp tonight.

Why this kinda feeling?

I guess it can be explained by the tingling remorse of my messed up yester years, combined with the kind of marvellous love n relationship that can actually develop between these friends.

Repeatedly asking myself the same old question again n again , where the hell was I, what was i doing back then? Was I suffering from amnesia? or maybe I was abducted by alien lifeforms? Well, I'm quite sure I had a damn solid cacoon brain for a start.

Through these years of travelling and staying all over the world it finally provided me with the answer of what I really want in life.

Sadly, I always thought it was freedom, n even went as far as makin it my direction in life, to attain freedom. Free from what? I was nv a niger, nv been a slave before.

Couple of days ago, When Issy was talking about her friend smoking to be cool and rebellious, all the bad boy image kinda shit. That sounded alot like me who wass far worst than that. Ultimately, it was not freedom I was looking for, realised I was just being rebellious. So much so, that i rebelled against my own good.

But to think of it, if I didnt did what I did, it wouldnt become the present me, would it.

Therefore, now, I just wanna make sure i succeed in life, strive for what i wanna n hopefully make sure my family, brothers, friends and everyone I care and love get to taste and savor the sweetness of my success together with me. Alright! No more blabbering abt yesterday, Just be gd and stay gd! JAcky, Out!

Peace!

PS : This post is somewhat messy in stucturing and stuf, Pleae bear with me cuz i'm still half asleep typin this out. Goin back to bed.... zzzz.....

What is love?

2006-11-30T16:59:00.000Z

Remember I wrote something about 'what is love'. I came up with a crappy equation of

L= [(sexual attraction+ inter-dependency) x (material factors/ competitors)] x 70% + (Distance x Time/ reality check - Luck) x 30%

I know it looks stupid... But I felt that its quite funny so if you guys can correct it, add-on to it or comment on another formulae.. PLS do so!

[And my brothers... dont ask me how come I keep having constant PMSes, lost my cool and confidence etc... 'cause the answer is I DONT KNOW! cant seem to do things right nowadays... effort x time (does not =) productivity. ]

Sometimes I just wish I was sitting with you guys in chinese garden kopitiam drinkin coffee, smoking, complaining about the government and discussing about the TOTO accumulated prize.
Sitting by the pool singing our fav songs enjoying the surreal and quietness, leaving pressure and socially aquited bullshit aside and just say what ever we want. How much I enjoyed blabbering all my troubles and headaches to you guys and get really bias-Jacky replies and solutions. Remember Kok used to tell me how good he feels when he reach CG and sees Andy and I laughing our lungs out, as if nothing was more important than that few hours of truthful and REAL happiness. Anyway the r/s stuff you guys advice doesnt help much, but it really feels good and secure to know people are standing by you when you are feeling lost.

Actually, I've been asking myself this question for a long time. Is heaven playing a trick on me or is it a lesson? I guess I have been overly confident for too long and he ( up there) felt that its time to rub my old wounds a little to wake me up and stop hiding behind and take for granted with the shield of my brothers and family back home. Reminding me of the pains.

Friends in Swiss reminded me of March Switerland 2005, the words still rings in my ears " I gave him a Chance, he didnt take it.. I'm moving on"
Hey its not that I didnt want to, I just didnt know how to. I was afriad that friendship might get affected if i proceeded, yet I wanted to care n love more than just friends.. how would I have known I missed a chance, or probably 'cause I really cant handle friendship mixed with essence of love and coward to proceed from 1 level to the next. And when she left for another guy, I freaked. But too late.
(Victoria, if u read this blog, please dont write the name of this person on my comments, thank you!)

"My summer sakura" was the beginning of all my crazy ethics, wonder how she's doing now.
(Kok, Thanks for not writing her name too)

Here comes the pondering part?

How should relationships be developed?

A: Understanding, Love, R/S
B: Love, R/S, Understanding
C: Pure love and faith
D: None of the above

If you happen to choose D, please comment on your point of view. Thank you.

Hmmm.. Reminds me of a song

Eason Chan "Shi Nian" - 10 years

*Nothing beats brotherly love! " Peng you ke yi yi liang tian, huo yi liang nian, xiong di shi yi bei zhi" " Friends can be 1 -2 days or 1-2 years, but brothers are forever"
Loyalty is bigger than heaven for those who are worthy and lucky enough to possess such.

Battle Blues

2006-11-21T17:32:00.000Z

Anyone who had at least been to the army or trained to be one before will tell you what its like to prepare for a war practice... exciting? fact is its utterly boring, sickening and 1/2 of the soldiers are finding ways to get sick or get themselves injured deliberately to fall out from mission. Images of despair starts spurning out of nowhere. Worries and paranoia about everyone and everything under the sky.

Well, my friends, the last few days to me was like war prep blues. Hid in my room thinking of all the weridness and nonsensical issues. Questioning everyone and everything, and worst of all I dont even know why I'm doing so. It was finally today when I went for my Law lecture that I realised my problem lies with stress and pressure of exam approaching. To my relieve, today's revision lecture actually cleared alot of my doubts and answered my question. There has to be a genuine problem inside me and its exam stress! haha!

Question 1: Is relationship part of the stress?
Answer: It is when i feel vulnerable without support and experience depression when the thought of there's no longer a girl who treats you as her's. Lost sense of belonging.

Question 2: Will another girl solve question 1?
Answer: I dont wanna jump into any kind of relationships now. Impratical and childish to even assume that understanding can come after love.

Question3: Either than girl what else is in my mind?
Answer: Studies, results, luck, career, $$! n family of course.

Question 4: What happens now?
Answer: I've finally recovered.. at least mostly, wont bother crying over my last r/s anymore. Exams appraoching! battle boots on, laces tied, SOP checked! preparing for battle plan Alpha and Beta ( Hope I dont have to resolt to Cheating...oops I meant Charlie)

Last Question: What happens after exams?
Answer: Go Italy, Go drinking, No smoke, No girls, 1 lovely mole and a couple of animals!

FALL IN! Move OUT 15 days time, Tuesday! 0800 hrs! Brace yourselves! Gogogo!

Analytical bullshit

2006-11-19T02:12:00.000Z

Interpretation of dreams? human flaws? forced situations? basic needs? survivor instinct? Alpha male instinct? fear of the unknown? self-protection tactics?

Questions to why people do the things they do.

Literature and texts shows the theoritical fundementals of the researched and proposed topics. Yet it does not signify the actual cause and effect to which why these evidences are present. Most of all, how do you define the presence of these theoroms when they actually surface in your everyday lives?

I pondered n pondered, going round and about why people have to give excuses to small events and inconviences which might end up in misunderstandings? Does the truth really hurts? Is it worth exposing or is it better left silent? Many people refuse to tell the truth or make up small lies which they feel will be better felt by the other invovled. Good-will turns sour when the person either suspects or manage to know the truth. It may be as small a case as not having enough chairs for all can be churn out tons and tons of unwanted unhapiness. Refusing to tell the truth and lying about it counts equally devastating not by law but by relation progression and retention.

Well, I finally came up with my own set of answer to this. If they did it out of good-will, why expose them and make them feel bad about it, especially if they are people you care for. Morever you might be wrong if its predicted based on non-solid facts, Since young I have been learning how to act stupid even if I know whats happening.. that is my surviour instinct coming into play. If they mean you no harm, why bite? everyone has their needs, wants and selfishness which when it gives a negative impact to me, it feels like crap. Then again, if I was at the same position I would have did the same. Especially when it looks so insignificant.

"Dont know and dont care, Forgive and forget"- "Know also act dont know, forgive and hope to forget"

Nicotine withdrawal or depression?

2006-11-17T20:54:00.000Z

Can anyone tell me the difference between withdrawal syntoms and depression? or probably just simply bad luck!!

Can someone tell me how come i woke up 5 mins after class started?
How come the 1st person i saw when i got outta my blk today was my Prof?
How come an arsehole in sports center ( for the 1st time) refuse to tell me what time basketball court is booked.."confidential"?????
How come Janice for the 1st time cant wake up to meet?
How come I fell asleep in AC tutorial room?
How come I fell asleep again?
How come i was woken up with a nightmare?
How come I cant wake up for dinner call from terrance tonight?
How come I lost all my Dota games today?
How come some people kinda ignored me today?
How come Kok sick n exam next week still can go KTV sing song?~~(irrelevant)
How am I going to sleep later?
How come nothing from the books are going into my brain?
How come theres a party on my floor tonight!?
How come I dont just go terrance's place for food?
How come I feel like a loser?
How come I have so much mood swings?
How come I ask so many how comes?

Mr Phillip Morris do you know the answer?
or
maybe Freud and Jung would...

Friends thank you if your guys can take my tidal wave mood swings... even I m getting irritated, sorry u guys have to listen to this shit!

~BLOG SPECIAL ~ [Happy birthday Janice]

2006-11-10T03:48:00.000Z

*NOVEMBER SPECIAL EDITION!

Well, today's blog is specially dedicated to my dear friend Janice. Her birthday happened to fall on the same day as my mummy,( call home she nv answer...), and Nov 9 is now offcially a bz day with 2 important peoples' birthday falling on the same day.

I know birthdays should be all about enjoyment, fun and happy moments. Sorry Janice ( My blog was nv meant to be a joy luck club). But i'll try to make it as sweet as possible.

Candy, Chocolate, Milkshakes, Mashmallows, Cola... sweet enough?
Damn forgot to add BUTTERscotch cookies. Lame....

The following dinners will all be with Janice, Terrence( bro..claiming he is well..hiaz..) and friends. Hope birthday girl will have a hell of a 21th birthday as we celebrate in this forbidden cold autum wet, exam approaching, boring city of guildford, UK.

Wonder if she keen on going for rollercoasters, artifical sun baths, arm press in gyms, warehouse visits and riding horses in carnivals after the exams... Hehehe..!

Wishing her all the best for her results and whatever she wished for when she blew out the candles.

Awakening!

2006-11-07T13:19:00.000Z

Guess what? a loyal customer of Marlboro for 9 years has to say good bye to his friends in packs of 20s. Thank you for being with me all those years..gave me confidence, made me look cool, give me reasons to slack off, help me socialise, keep me safe in the night by making me look dodgy and gave me company when I was alone [( Remember the beyond song! Dan wo gu dan de shi huo, zhi you yan mei yo peng you) Whenever you are lonely, there is only cigs and no friends]

To: Dear Mr Phillip Morris

"Sir, forgive me for moving on.. you and I both know it takes enormous amount of effort to get a good catch... She's not just any fish you can buy off a street market. Much much more than that... Wish me luck dude!"

STUDY, study, study, study, study,study, study, study!!!!!!!!!
JW is mugging (books), Jason is bugging (Lecturers), Terence is coughing (Notes), Janice is staring at (codes), Kok is a toad and I'm praying (HOPE)!
4 weeks flat till exam!!! LEts go guys!! Good luck to myself 1st ( Sorry for being selfish this time..hahaha) n to Janice then Terence ( She needs it more than u, dont complain!!)

Daily News
Last night, 3 Singaporean students, 2 male and 1 female age between 20-24 was found loitering around the cathedral at 2 in the morning..

Take it easy...

2006-11-05T14:50:00.000Z

For those of you dudes who have been asking me what the hell was my last 2 entries tryin to show, you are right if you find it unfortuneate. Reason is that there are people or things which you really like but you just cant get because of mostly external reasons which to a certain extend its rubbish. But its all about timing, n i always appear at the wrong time. Appearing at the wrong time or wrong place deems that i have no luck for the great things and people. Neither would great people like a person like me. Confidence lost? maybe... So once again, this time even before furthering 1 more step, i have to try hard to let go asap before i lose even more.

Just to fascinate myself, i wrote this my ... u can try to solve it if u wan ( advise: dun bother cuz its created quite stupidly for my own entertainment purposes since i wont get it for real)

***** mcsq x e wants to [(leave the orion via the expressway) over the] Phenomenal cham-sterling bridge of Portugal*********

2006-11-02T00:31:00.000Z

Thanks to all my good friends in the UK who didnt know what to do with me when i was down. Hahaha.. well guys, I’m sorry this is not the 1st time i was told i m some1 who put a fake indestructible attitude in front of every1 n not willing to open my heart to people. The fact is, my experiences in many areas n switching from different kinds of life, groups of people and living standards made me unable to find my true character anymore neither m i able to express my thoughts without boring u guys to death which u already were..hahaaa. Being too versatile loses my actual character.But frankly speaking i didnt like my usual self 1 bit, neither did any1 around me back then.

I finally decided during the Army to make an effort and change. N i did, popularity, crazy, funky.. anything fun and crazy were linked directly to me. Still it wasnt enough, it made people around me happy, old friends came back, new friends flooded my handphones but not an inch close to satisfying my family's wants of me after all those years of bullshit i created for them. So here i m today, knowing what i'm doing, doing what i can to make my family n friends around me happy, chasing bastards n crackers away from these people i care for.

Last night, i realized i lost myself big time. After losing my Nicole, i understood the true meaning of giving up something u like for the sake of her and others. Sanity? Nuts? or matured and understanding? i cant answer.. cuz this should not be me, not the typical Jacky way of doing things... nevertheless, i did it. So now comes the question, i did all these for the sake of making people around me smile n laugh, and for Nicole.. its the 1 thing i think i had to do to make her life better. Yet in the deepest portion of my heart i feel so empty.

Since JW n KOK no1 else actually managed to hit the X spot of my true self. Then again, these 2 fellas had been through all those crap n dungs with me before they could understand who the hell i really m.

New friends are fun, n i really want to keep it this way, but the fact is nothing will last. When theres up , theres always a down, people know new friends, enjoys new company n switchin to where they feel most comfortable, is perfectly understandable, n its something i should look at lightly. There will come a time i have to face with the fact that things r changing again... n this time i guess i might have to just accept that i dont always have the ability to change or keep things and people, even if i could, i wouldnt. Kok have always told me about the course of nature and breaking or manipulating it is nothing but disaster, JW have for years told me how life and power is in your own hands and control.

Hmmm.. well dudes, Jacky who always comes up with opposing the odds theories now agrees with the both of u.
The course of nature and the shifting of elements are facts which cannot be denied. Power is always in my hands to intervine, especially when i'm already part of the picture. So the ability to give up my own selfish wants and wishes is the power... That people will change, enjoy other company and leave is a course of nature, and it should not be altered.

The good side is, there r people who wouldn’t leave your side, the 1 (unfortunately almost all the time in my life is u dicky buddies of mine)... who will still stay loyal to me n enjoys my loyalty and company. I thank u dudes!..... sounds mushy.... yupz... but its not everyday Jacky will have the mood to say something like that.. so treasure it...haha. kiddin guys!Thats all for today.. will continue to update..

If any queries about my meaning or characters involved please feel free to ask me n i will be honest with u, if u wish to guess, den dun blame me if it wasn’t what i meant. Hahaha!

2006-10-23T01:23:00.000Z

Oct 23 2007

The adaptation curve for me is now at an unpromising stage. Here I am in another distant land questioning life's true meaning once more. Fascinated by the new life i'm leading, but the old still huants me like the devil whom never gives up tormenting unforgiven souls. After years of repenting, i began to believe i have finally walked out of the dark clouds. Believing that a rainbow will finally path a route for me in search of my pot of gold. Yet I realise the demon within me hasnt given up. I hate myself for always being in reality, being given a high level of alcohol immunity isnt a gift but part of my punishment to keep awake while the pain of my memories continue to torment my inner soul.

2 years ago, a dead man walking on the snowy mountains, asked himself what life was about. It took him rigourous effort and self- searching within his deepest thoughts to finally derive an answer. Freedom, freedom to do whatever he wishes, to let go of all his pain and sorrows, to indulge in a realm where no fear couldnt be overcome, no love was needed, no hate was present. He released himself from the clutches of hell and understood that each passing day was a blessing. He who died was reborn.

The man followed his heart, knew where he was going, see the world as a simple equation. Still, life isnt all a rosy picture in the eyes of a common man. He who doesnt wish to see, sees again. He who thought he didnt need love, felt again. He who conquered his fear of loneliness, fears once more.

~The ravens fill the sky of blue, a man's heart once more without a clue. Why must i bear this storm of pain, but i know, i know... when its all over, the dead man will live again!~